Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
