He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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