How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Having a random hookup so left but love u
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
