please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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