I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
