My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
