if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
