My liver just broke up with me...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
