seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
