I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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