And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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