It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
