does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
