My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
