Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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