ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
