I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
