I cannot find my penis.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
