Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
