I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
