one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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