Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
True strength comes from lack of pants
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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