you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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