I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
