how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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