If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
