yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize