I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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