i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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