I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
