I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
