6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
