Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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