my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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