he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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