she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
