Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
