Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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