I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
