oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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