He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
