I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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