yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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