She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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