woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
