Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
