Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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