I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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