I want you more than these girls want KFC
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm too high and old for this...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
