I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
