how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
