it hurts more in the daytime
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
sarcasm needs its own font
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
