my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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