They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
