I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize