i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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