Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
