just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize